LOVING SOMEONE WITH A SUBSTANCE PROBLEM CAN BE AGONY.

CHANGE IS POSSIBLE.

You may be desperate. You may be afraid that nothing will help. You just want it to stop. 

You often think to yourself “I can’t take this anymore.”

You can’t stand fighting and feeling mad all the time.

You don’t know if you should stay or if you should leave. 

You don’t know if you’re helping or making things worse.

Loving someone struggling with addiction is hard, and it is often a deeply isolating and lonely experience.

You don’t tell anyone about what’s going on because others might (or do) judge your loved one, or you, or you’re worried about your loved one’s reputation (and yours), or maybe you feel ashamed and you blame yourself for your loved one’s struggles. 

Frustration, arguing, isolation, guilt, blame, worry, hopelessness, fury–in a word, suffering–have eclipsed normal and everyday enjoyment.

Folks are telling you to give “tough love,” to “detach,” threaten, punish, give ultimatums, or  “just” leave. And maybe you’ve tried all those things and realized…they’re not really working.

You feel like you’ll be happy only when your loved one goes to rehab, gets out of rehab, stops using, has been abstinent for some time…

You feel like no one understands, not really. 

You feel alone, misunderstood, and change seems like it will never come.

CHANGE IS POSSIBLE.

Of course you want things to change when someone you care about seems to be choosing substances over normal life, everyday enjoyment, and you.

I am optimistic that change is possible. 

Here is the most important question clients ask me:

Is change possible if my loved one doesn’t want to change? YES. YES!

Many people who love a person with substance problems don’t seek help because they expect to be offered only one way to get it: your loved one has to get sober/go to rehab…the old “rehab or else” approach.

Here is the truth: You can make significant changes in your life, including in your relationships, whether or not your loved one enters treatment. And you don’t need to wait for your loved one to hit “rock bottom” for things to change - in fact it’s better if you don’t. Change can begin anytime. 

You are not powerless. You have the power to make changes yourself that will improve your situation.

It takes time, and it is not usually a straight and smooth path. But it is a better way. Things can and do change.

therapy can help.

Therapy can support you in developing a more loving, trusting, and satisfying relationship with the person you’re worried about. It can help you regain confidence, and feel less alone. 

I will teach you skills to take care of yourself, and we will explore strategies for real-world, observable change. Together we will help you transform your relationship with your loved one, and your life. You will learn how to take better care of yourself, so you’ll have the energy to keep going, keep changing, keep helping.

I will teach you skills to make peace with the things you cannot change, and find relief from all the fear and chronic worrying. And together we will determine what changes you *can* make, and help you learn the skills and strategies to implement them. 

Just as anyone can have a substance problem, anyone can be in a relationship with a person who has a substance problem. It doesn’t mean anything about you. It’s common. It can change. 

Addiction is incredibly complex. What matters is what matters to you. What works is what works for you.

I will work to understand your particular situation, with all its complexities.

In our sessions you will feel acknowledged, understood and accepted as you are (not contingent on doing something or not doing something.) A place where you can get information without pressure, and explore your options without judgment. 

In our work, you will find: trust, empathy, and a positive, non-judgmental attitude; relief from shame and fear; freedom to make mistakes and still feel accepted; and the feeling of being understood for who you truly are without needing to hide.

If you want to be stronger and lighter at heart, more confident, more relaxed, less depressed, and less angry, then let’s give change a shot.  

Building a happy life takes time, but it is possible.